It all started on a balmy May day in 2007. Milo, my rich, eccentric brother invited myself and 11 of his friends to go for a cruise. We first flew to the Bahamas, and that is where we chartered a yacht. I really never understood Milo’s friends, they were so keen to follow me around the yacht, and ask ridiculous questions. I also tired easily from idle chit-chat, so I did my best to ignore them. However Fritz Ubersnot, had other plans. Apparently he liked my breasts and deriere, and was WAY TOO vocal about expressing his opinions about said ANATOMY. I eventually got fed up with the Horny repartee and threw my Mai Tai in his face.
He raged at my attack : “You filthy whore, NO ONE spurns an Ubersnot. We do not allow such behavior!”
That is when he picked me up and threw me overboard. Luckily he threw me a Life preserver, which I quickly grabbed. Unfortunately, the bastard never alerted the Captain as to my plight and I bobbed up and down in the warm waters, watching helplessly, as the yacht drifted away. In a few hours, it was merely a dot on the horizon. I was screwed!
Eventually, I drifted off to sleep and from out of nowhere I heard a voice call to me: “Ahoy! Are you Okay?”
I opened my red, swollen eyes and mumbled… “Help, Please, help!”
Next thing I knew I was being scooped up into a very small boat, and covered with a few palm fronds. The trip to land seemed endless, but we eventually made it to a small island. My rescuer was named Barry, had long bleached blonde hair, and had all the verbal skills of a monkey. (I’m telling you TARZAN was more articulate than this guy.)
I asked him what he was doing out on the water. His response was short. “Fishin'”
“So you fish everyday?”
He grunted: “Mm…most”
I would have been more curious, but Barry was simply NOT MY TYPE. You see, I prefer men who speak, rather than grunt.
He built a fire, set up a “Lean-To” out of Palm fronds and dried seaweed. When he handed me a split coconut I nodded my thanks. That is when he smiled. It wasn’t just a smile, it was a High-Beam Radiant, I brush my teeth 3 times a day, smile. I could swear that I heard the Angels singing…
All night I listened to the waves pounding the beach, and in the morning, the sound of sea birds chattering. It was as if I had learned the Language of the island. I understood why Barry did not speak much. It just wasn’t necessary. I felt more free than I have ever felt.
Barry grew on me. He even invited me to share his thatched hut. We gathered guavas, mangoes, and coconuts. We spoke rarely, and often used sign language to communicate. Without warning, he took off his shirt and threw himself into the surf. I felt so free, and took off my top and ran to him. I will NEVER forget his words: “Uh you should put your top on NOW!”
I was confused…”But why?”
He shrugged: “Duuuude ….two miles up the road is The High Winds Resort and the bus full of tourists show up here every Friday at noon.”
I was soooo angry! “Why didn’t you say anything before?”
“They let me stay for free, if I give them tours. I’m a tourist attraction. I live off the land, totally off the grid, and cook, live and eat green. “
Well, I was NOT amused. There was no doubt in my mind, that I had been played like a fiddle!! I walked to the resort, phoned my brother and rode a helicopter back to civilization. I never saw Harry Barry again, and retired from the settlement I received from the Ubersnot family, after I sued the pants off Fritz! My lawyer claimed “Emotional Distress” and I took that stress all the way to the bank.